What’s a father to you? To me even the word father is a little strange. My father was always just Dad whether he was making me laugh or being exasperating. The word father was mostly reserved for religious contexts. The priest was Father John or Father Bill. God was Our Father who art in heaven or God, the Father Almighty. So father for me wasn’t Dad.

People’s image of their fathers can definitely get tied up in how they see God. If you had an unhealthy relationship with your father or a father-figure it can distort your image of God. Feminist theologian Mary Daly famously said, “If God is male, then male is God.” What she meant was that seeing God as male can result in treating men like gods. God as father is a good metaphor when a father is kind, fair, and just. It falls apart when fathers who are cruel or abusive are empowered to harm others. It falls apart when God is seen in the image of those dysfunctional fathers. The Bible has practical advice and not just describing God as a father.

Parenting more than fatherhood specifically shows up a number of times in the Bible. Scripture repeats a lot of the same themes when it comes to parenting. Raise your children in the Faith. Deuteronomy counsels to teach your children God’s words and great deeds. Psalms likewise tells parents to tell their children God’s glorious deeds (78).

We are counseled repeatedly to discipline our children especially in Deuteronomy and Proverbs. Sometimes it’s general. Sometimes corporal punishment is recommended. Some approaches haven’t aged well like what to do with kids who become stubborn, as well as gluttons and drunks, stoning, but that’s not our focus for today.

What does father mean to you? Is it someone whose genes you share? Is it someone who raised you? Who were your male role models growing up? Who taught you what a man is? All of these meanings and more may bear the meaning of father or dad to you.

Toxic masculinity in our culture today combined with gender policing can make positive male images hard to come by. Men are counseled to become aggressive and to take what they want. Qualities like kindness and compassion are said to be feminine and to take away from one’s maleness. Even pre-teen boys look in the mirror and worry about a lack of muscles. Jerks are seen as powerful rather than uncouth. It’s no longer just the school yard bully, but also the leaders of our country. I heard on the radio about a man who liked the president just for that reason.

I was fortunate to have a lot of positive male role models growing up. They included everyone from my dad to neighbors to fictional characters. There was Clarence who lived next door and pushed me in the wheelbarrow. There was my godfather Dave. There were the men in Star Trek. There was Captain Picard who was calm and level-headed. The last thing you wanted was for him to be disappointed in you. There was Commander Riker who taught me what a man was. He was bold and romantic. His friends could count on him. When I had to play a man for a play, Riker was the one I pictured.

My dad was the man who worked hard to provide for our family. He was also the man who would sit you down, stare deep into your eyes and try to impart his wisdom. My dad saw mistakes and things that hindered him in his own life and wanted to make sure that we, his kids, did not face the same challenges.

Transitioning from a child of a father to a father of a child is not a straightforward one. Some of it is just getting older. Our perspective changes with the passing of the years. Some just comes from falling into roles. Depending on your role models this can be helpful or something to turn and go the other way.

You may find, as I did, your mother’s words coming out of your mouth unbidden. It’s important to process those messages to know which to pass along and which to let die with us.

The title of father has not always sat easy with me. Leigh is his mom and her ex-husband Robert was Jay’s adoptive father. Trying to carve out a role for myself was not straightforward.I have tried to be there for my stepchildren, but that can be even more fraught. I have done my best when they face crises. Still, I spend most of my time being there for Jay. I try to provide for my family like my mom and dad did for me and my sisters growing up.

When I began to raise Jay, things were different than when I was just the babysitter or playing a man in a musical. I wanted to never be angry with him, but always understanding. There were times that this was more difficult than I could have imagined. I took from my dad, and from Star Trek’s Captain Picard, and Captain Sisko the concept of heart to heart chats with my son. I tried to speak and respond as calmly as they did. Sometimes, though, I needed a break.

I loved the opportunity to teach Jay things and show him what is meaningful to me. I worked to inspire Jay to do things that were important to me like reading. I wanted Jay to know love through me. I want Jay to know he has worth as a human being. I want him to respect himself and show it through his studies, how he keeps his room, his manners and how he cares for his possessions.

Scripture is clear about passing on values. When Leigh and I wanted to impart our faith and values to Jay, this was not generally through direct conversations. That came later when he was not following what we had wanted for him. We have made sure Jay goes to church every Sunday. We sent him to Sunday school and youth group. We supported his journey in Boy Scouts. Later if he wasn’t living up to our family values, we could remind him of the Boy Scout Law and its list of principles. Deciding what values to pass on and how to do it is an important life decision and we have a second chance when we become grandparents. 

I sometimes teach or reinforce things I do not want to. I did not want to teach Jay the self-critical voice I had internalized growing up. Still he sometimes hears things in a far more negative light than I intend. My efforts to guide him have sometimes led him down that path and I hate it.

I don’t want to pass on the intergenerational trauma that my parents passed to me. Trying not to pass something on is much harder than actively trying to impart something. I didn’t want him to learn to be militaristic from Boy Scouts, but that may be unavoidable. My parents may have read about parenting for peace but I too went to Boy Scouts, I was educated in a public school, and my father’s best friend is a Marine. Perhaps they shouldn’t have been surprised when I brought home the Marine Corps recruiter.

Scripture also frequently mentions discipline. The question of discipline is more complicated. Not all of us reach for discipline right away as a parenting tool. George Lakoff splits the main parenting styles of the US into two categories, the Nurturant Parent Model and the Strict Father Model. I have almost always fallen into the Nurturant Parent Model with its emphasis on compassion and reflection. Love becomes the favored approach over correction. According to Lakoff for the Nurturant Parent Model, “It is being cared for and cared about that children become responsible, self-disciplined and self-reliant. The purpose is to make children become nurturers, too. Obedience for children comes out of love and respect for parents, not out of fear of punishment. Instead of punishment, you have restitution.”

I do not see myself as following the Strict Father Model. This means that I do not turn to punishment right away. Unfortunately this also means that the Strict Father Model has become part of my shadow side. I try to repress it, but when I have the least control of the situation or my frustration gets above a certain level, I reach for the Strict Father Model. This means that my use of it is far less reflective and considered than those who use it regularly. It is far too easy to let strict mean angry or even capricious. We must learn to understand our shadows.

The best of those who follow the strict father model set strong boundaries and make their expectations clear offering a stable environment for children. They also know to gradually reduce enforcement to let children internalize values. Those who suddenly remove boundaries at 18 years of age leave children struggling for self-control. A friend of mine from high school found himself unable to stop playing video games without his parents present and had to drop out of college. All parenting styles have limits.

My favorite part of the Ephesians passage is “fathers, do not exasperate your children” an alternate translation reads “do not provoke your children to anger” (Ephesians 6) and Colossians likewise says not to provoke your children lest they become discouraged. There is a recognition there that children will form their own opinions and not always be compliant even with harsh parents. Good parenting gives room for children to assert their own boundaries and develop their own understanding. We must give children room to grow.

Each of us had different role models. We have had to develop our own parenting styles. Each father must carve out his own path. Teaching our children our values is never as simple as it sounds. Still it is one of the most important things we can offer. We cannot nor would most of us want to keep our children under our control forever.

Queries:

• Who were fathers for you?
• What has the image of a father meant to you?